Finding an escape from a tiny bubble

Boooop boooop boooop..... Beep beep boop...

I swear we will be hearing alarm sounds of all kinds when we finally get home. Four machines hooked to my son. Each of which has an alarm that seems to go off every 5 minutes. I have ringing of the brain.

Starting to get sick myself. Which is a rarity. But my throat is killing me. Don't wanna talk or swallow. Blegh...

Walking these halls every day with no escape. Seeing the same sick kids that never leave which seems to me that they never get better. So hard not to get depressed. A child's life is supposed to be full of chasing butterflies, playing in the mud, and running around carefree. Not full of machines and needles and medicine. But on the other side of that fact, I guess we are lucky to have the technology and knowledge to be able treat these kids.

Obviously, it's just not something any person wants to be engulfed in. Hearing any child say they just want to be normal again Is heart breaking, but when it's my own, it kills me inside. It's the little things that this kid misses. Being able to walk around without two poles behind him, or going to the bathroom on a regular toilet. Zander keeps apologizing for things beyond his control and every time he says sorry for having an accident or some other bodily function that he has no control over, I literally tear up on the spot. Trying to hold the tears back while explaining to him that he doesn't have to be sorry and that there is nothing else in the world that I would rather be doing than cleaning after him, isn't easy.

Three doctors that have come in have said that he is a very mature 6 year old and he understands more about what is going on with him than they like to hear. And that, just doesn't seem ok to me. No kid should have to know all this medical hoopla but unfortunately that would only be in a perfect world.

Normal...what is normal?

Healthy? Happy? Alive?

All of these have many meanings.

Until next time...

Xoxo Rockie

....hurting

A mothers job is never done.

As I sit here watching Cars2 for the millionth time since we were admitted to Children's Hospital Central California over 2 weeks ago, a thought crosses my mind...'all I really want is for my 6 year old to feel normal again when we leave here'. I know that no parent asks for their child to be sick but I also feel that the strongest people are chosen to go through tough times like these.
On a lighter note, Zander is feeling much better. He's smiling, playing, and laughing like the days before the drs. Today was the first time he has been able to eat in about 2 weeks and that's just what he did. It did my heart good to see him eat turkey sandwich and carrots with ranch, gatorade and apple juice. Though, he's still on his feeding tube, that is merely to maintain his nutrients and vitamins at the right levels and act as a medicine for his body. He will have a Nasogastric tube (feeding tube) long term as long as this elemental therapy is working for him and he may possibly be getting a gastric tube put in place in the next couple weeks.

The care here at Children's Hospital is above and beyond anything we could have hoped for. And, though it feels like we have been here forever, every person that I have come in contact with on their staff has done everything to make sure we are always comfortable and have anything we need. In the Rehabilitation department, Nurses Michele, Mike, and Christie have been above and beyond amazing along with several others. You all deserve a huge thank you from my family to yours!

Christmas is soon approaching and with Zander being in the hospital and the blur of the holidays whizzing by, it would almost seem I have forgotten my middle child's birthday. But fear not my Corbin Bray, mommy didn't forget and you will have an amazing birthday, even though it is only....3...days...away......SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! His 5th birthday is only 3 days away. Geeeebus! When did my kids get so big?? Where did time go?


These are the things that break a mothers heart.

Until next time...

Rockie...the mommy (:

Prayer-ly famous

Well, Zander went into surgery for endoscopy and had some biopsys done and found out that he has Crohn's disease.
Although we are sincerely thankful for the doctors working ruthlessly to find out what was up with my lil man, it still hit home that he still not able eat.
He currently is being fed through an NG tube (nasal gastric), but doesn't understand much yet. He is so hungry and wants to eat normally, he says.
So many people around Bakersfield and in other cities as well, had put my dear lil man on their prayer lists everywhere. We are so thankful for everyone's thoughts and appreciate all the love that was sent our way.

We still have a long road ahead and it's going to be tough. We will get through it all and with love anything is possible.

Xoxo Rockie

Mommy, pleading

Well thanksgiving is literally just around the corner and as all the thoughts of food and left overs and time with family fill the minds of most people, I am in the hospital for day number 7 by my lil Zander's side.

Xoxo Rockie

I am who I am, who cares if you do or you don't like it.

Ok, I have come to the conclusion that, from some people obviously too outside of my life to know any better, I have a life full of wild nights and party weekends?!?
Well, this is news to me. Yes, I am the kind of personality that likes to make everything in life fun and for some this may come of as me having not a care in the world and hardly any worries but that is what people get when they judge other people.
I am a wife and a mother of three boys and if you for one second think I am one without responsibilities because my husband works and we are lucky enough to make the money we do to allow me to stay home with my boys you are sadly mistaken. I am thankful for the life I have whatever it may be and I am so appreciative to have such a hard working husband and we are both blessed for him to be in the company and business he is that will pretty guarantee him a job for as long as he works there.
If you want to look at me in envy and think that I have it easy, well thanks for the flattery but pardon my language, that's bullshit. I have paid my dues in the pain section of this part of life, we have been through struggles that you think we may have never seen but just because you wouldn't ever be able to tell when we are going through tough times does not mean they don't exist and to believe such is just plain ignorant.
I think it is sad when friends start distancing themselves for any kind of reason like the ones I have stated above and quite frankly, I believe those people aren't really true friends at all. Thank you for letting me know things about myself that obviously I missed the memo on. I appreciate it.

xoxo Rockie (:

A lil of my life in pictures (:

My three lil guys. Zander, Corbin, and Braxton.


Me and the hubby bein cool! Lol.

Amazed

I have been truly blessed in life lately. With family and friends and the fact that my husband still has an amazing job and is able to work hard and provide for his family and for this I an immensely thankful and appreciative. I wanted to share a lil words of wisdom that I enjoyed reading and thinking about.


Every night before you fall asleep, give heartfelt thanks for the wonderful day you just had (no matter what kind of day you had). Think about the next day, and intend that it is going to be wonderful. Intend that it is going to be the best day of your life. Intend that it is going to be filled with love and joy. Intend that all good is coming to you and everything is going to flow perfectly, etc. Then when you wake in the morning, BEFORE you get out of bed, again declare your intentions for the day and give deep thanks as though you have received them all. As you do this, you will begin to create your life deliberately, and you will experience firsthand the power that is within you to create the life you want.


Think about it.

xoxo Rockie (:

Days like these...

Went to Vegas last weekend with the hubby and two great friends of ours. We had a fabulous time. It was definitely great to have a whole weekend away to let loose.

Spending time watching the boys go through school and learning things everyday. And having amazing times with friends doing absolutely nothing and still laughing so hard that we stop breathing. These are the days that I love the most.

Summer is fading away and fall will soon replace green grass with leaves. I'll have a wonderful time remembering the times we had during summer and hope that the days to come are just as awesome.

Until next time...

Xoxo Rockie (:

I will Always Remember, Never Forget

     I'm sure as I sit here writing this, there is a somber mood sweeping our Nation. Today is the 10th Anniversary of the 9/11 attacks on our country and these attacks also mark the last time anyone, group, clan, country, organization, or foreign military would ever take our people for fools.
     Since that day, we retaliated with more power, unity, force, anger, hurt, and pissed off Americans that stood behind the men and women of our Military that was deployed overseas to make our country safe and let us keep our freedom.
     We all learned fast that this would not be a fast easy road. Way too many lost their lives. Mothers and fathers lost sons and daughters and children lost parents the same. Brothers didn't return home, sisters were lost forever. All to ensure that America would never be vulnerable again and that the children of today would not have to bear the hardship of war that we do today.
     I'm going to keep this short and sweet. I thank each and every person that has a hand in keeping us at the home front safe, and their families the same. I would like to say a personal thanks to my husband Tim Johnson, for being deployed for 9 months and fighting for our country when we were weak and also to my older brother Adam Brown, who went through 2 tours of deployment to do the same. You are near and dear to my heart and I am thankful to still have you here in my life.
     I hope we all take the time to remember how this event brought our Nation together, made us stronger than we have ever been.


     I will Always Remember, Never Forget.



xoxo Rockie (:

Boredom. Better known as My Life.

This week has been a fabulous bundle of fun, loneliness, adventure, injury, sickness, guilt, and relief.

The husband finally got home last night from Connecticut, which describes the relief part. He had been gone for 7 days and left me to tend to everyone and thing by myself. But hey I'm super mom, I can handle it all, right?

My boys and I also followed Kaylee and Patrick up a narrow as hell steep dirt road and took the back way to Tehachapi to find the fire. My boys enjoyed that, we watched it and took pictures. That was an adventure for them.

Being here all alone hasn't quite been ideal, so just to have some adult interaction, intelligent interaction at that, I decided to break my foot so that I could go to the hospital and talk to all the drs and nurses that were dying to have a conversation with me. Heh heh.

Needless to say, I now have surgery on my foot this coming Tuesday. After that was done, Corbin got sick. The flu probably. But I believe it has passed, at least I hope. And in the midst of the whole foot problem and sick babies, I'm feeling guilty as hell because the boys missed 2 days of school this week. Who's a bad mom? I am! 0.o

Other than the usual, thats been all thats going on. I will be sure to update more often.

Until next time.

xoxo Rockie (:

Me. All I can be.

Look into my eyes while I'm laughing.
     You will see a fire that strikes more than happiness in other people.
When I smile, peer into my heart.
     Tell me what you feel.
Do you feel a once broken object, now busting at its mending seams?
     Can you feel the burning desire I have to pass this contagious feeling on to anyone willing to receive it?
Listen to the music and watch me dance.
     Can you tell the passion I have that passes through my body?
Look at me playing with my children.
     Share in the joy I get from hearing their giggles.
But what you will never see, feel, hear, or know is the dirt before the diamond, the pain before the sun shine, or the many strides I've taken while crawling before I finally stood tall.

     Thats the person I am and always will be.

xoxo Rockie (:

My Body is screaming at me

     Oh lawd, what an awesome weekend we have had! Friday was my birthday and about 15 of my friends and family helped me celebrate it at our usual spot here, Martinis Feel Good Lounge, As well as people that frequent the bar/dance club that I also knew. We danced, drank, took pictures, laughed like it was going out of style and talked about how time has flown. I am so glad to have these people in my life and by my side and wouldn't change a thing that has brought me to this point in my life.
     Saturday, we had a pizza, beer , poker and domino night and had another nice group of people over. One more fun night under the belt. Then woke up early and tried to fish Sunday morning out at Buena Vista. Sadly, not a bite, other then the mosquitos on my legs!
     Slept pretty much til Sunday afternoon then had the best BBQ'd dinner of steak, chicken, hot links, rice, corn, and rolls!mmmmm


   And then for a first for both of us, me and the bestie Alysa, cleaned, gutted, and prepped the catfish they caught earlier in the day. That was definitely a new experience.

xoxo Rockie ♥

Birthday Madness

     This last weekend, the husband and I decided to take off to Vegas for a last minute double birthday celebration. We went for both of our birthdays and we had an absolute blast. Drank Fat Tuesday daquiris, found a great PBR Rock Bar and rode the bull while slightly intoxicated, and met some amazing people from Ireland whom which we hung out with til 7 in the morning.
    
     On Monday, the hubbys actual birthday, we packed up the ice chest, blankets, chairs and fishing poles and took our 3 monsters fishing. All day! It was fun, though we caught nothing. The boys learned to cast their poles and it was the cutest thing ever! Much more fishing to come, I am sure.

     Right now, hubs is out of town on work and I miss him like crazy. Even though, ironically, its slightly cleaner and less hectic while hes away. he he he I love you hunny (:

     Boys are whispering to themselves and I am going to find me some good bad tv to watch. Hope this finds you all well.

xoxo Rockie (:

    

Those moments as a mom

All of you parents out there have had "those moments". You know, the ones you never thought you'd seriously be saying or doing certain things or keeping your children from saying or doing. This happens quite often to me as a mother to three boys under 6 years old. And I must say it keeps my life from one hell of a bore otherwise.

A few examples of these moments are things like Zander singing every word to "Birthday Sex" while waiting in a line at the mall or Corbin in the back seat screamed out "Mom! My nuts hurt!" even though he meant and was pointing to his knuckles.

Moments like these make my life go 'round And I look forward to many more to come.

xoxo Rockie (:

Along for the ride

Everyday my boys always seem to have something new to show me. Tricks or songs or some crazy ninja moves. I look around and at those moments I never think anything other than, 'how did I get to be so blessed?'.

Tim still has the same job. We are very thankful for that, no doubt.

His birthday is in 4 days, moms is in 7, and mine is in 9. Then Zander's 6th birthday in august. Man time is flying.

Spread your wings and learn to fly with it!

xoxo Rockie (:

Its been a while.

     Well its been quite a while, over half a year, since I've blogged on here.

Things have changed and my husband and I have reconciled and things have been better than ever! We are bout to start process to buy a house and our 3 boys are growing into lil men right before our eyes. Man! Where has time gone!?

Corbin starts kindergarten in August and Zander begins his first grade year. So it will be me and my lil Braxton, who's not so little actually, at home during the day. Lucky lil booger gets mommy all day to himself. Well I will be actively blogging here again regularly!

xoxo Rockie (: