Scattered everywhere

Another month has come and gone and life for me lately seems to do like the leaveson the trees after all the pretty colors, ya know. Ugly and forgotten.

I know it can't be all glitter and lace but I have never had this much doubt. I'm sure I'll kick myself years down the road for that one.

I'm slightly scatter brained tonight. I might be depressed, according to it's proper definition, but hey who isn't. I mean at least I'm not on pills yet. Haha!

Tonight my three monsters and I built a fort and played in it. And they showed me their handstands, and told me letters. And laughed like crazy lil leprechauns in the tub.

It rained all evening. My Kloe slept in her house. I love seeing her in it :).

I cry Alot lately. Sometimes it's good. For good reason. But I'm getting better at it.


xoxo Rockie :)
Lifes tough, wear a helmet.

Real Life EASY Button? Yes please!

   So, I'm pretty sure that most of you older than me, didn't think life was difficult at 24 right? Then what the hell is going on with me?
I feel like I'm going through the motions of what life should be and what I should be doing at this point, but I don't feel anything thats raw and real anymore. Where are all the tangables?

Maybe, I can handle it? Well damn I sure hope so. Because as much as I am told otherwise by the people closest to me, I still feel like a failure in the eyes of my three beautiful boys. And that is the worst feeling ever.

Now don't get me wrong, this is in no way a pity-party, woe-is-me, post. Just at this point in my life that 5 years ago I thought I would be completely settled! Its disappointing and frustrating.

Is it me? What have I done in my life to deserve this? Seems to be a constantly asked question. Why is he that way? Why do they treat me like this? What is going on here that I am unaware of?

Well, possible one day it will become clear to me. I'm tired of the tears. Mostly tired of my boys seeing and noticing my struggles. And i fear most that what is going on with me, isn't even hard, that I am making it this way........No no that cant be.

Whatever it is, can I get a break please?

Thanks for listening.

xoxo Rockie

This sucks.

Anyone ever feel like your world comes crumbling down, and its by your hands?
Like, everything you have ever wanted just disappeared but its because thats what you wanted?

Definitely having one of those days. I don't know what to do or how to feel. I wont keep it hanging there waiting in the distance, thats obviously not fair. So I just watch it silently as it slips away. Hoping that someday somehow you'll remember me. And also, wishing you happiness and love.

I will always be where I'm always at. Love me forever, and I will love you.

xoxo Rockie

Looks like rain..tut tut...

    Well, the rain has met us here in good ol' Bakersfield. Did I mention, I HATE the rain. But, to each their own.

It makes me get all gloomy and depressed and then I start thinking about everything into detail and what such lil things mean and so on and so fourth.
Lately, I have been letting people make me feel inadequate. Which, if you know me at all, isn't like me to do so.

I just start thinking and thinking, and then my mind goes 'well is there any truth to what this person is saying or feeling'? Maybe I am not as good a mother as I think I am? Or maybe I'm not such an upfront honest person all the time? Even though I know I am and always will be, why does my mindframe choose now to falter on me?

I hate feeling like this. It seems that the current situation I'm going through always turns out this way. And I dont like it at all.

Dont do things just to look better than me. Dont assume you know what is going on in my head. Or where my heart is. Or why I do the things I do. Maybe you will just never get it. And most of all dont ever judge me. I am not like anyone else. I am me.

Wish I could take my boys out in rain boots, snow pants, beanies, and gloves. With magnifying glasses, and snacks and go into the mountains, and let my loves explore. Let their creative minds get flowing, and have an amazing time! But that will have to wait for another time.

Hope this post finds you all well.

xoxo Rockie

235th Birthday?!?!?

Today is the Marine Corp birthday. 235 years ago and still goin strong.  My Father, My older Brother, many of my friends, And someone very special to me, have or are serving in the Marines, and I love you all.




Tomorrow is Veteran's Day, and the kids don't have school!! Thats awesome! And its Thursday! yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I feel like a lil school girl.

Hope yall have an amazing Wednesday :)

xoxo Rockie

Here's to a few steps in the right direction!

Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!  Phew! Ok, now I can continue. I'm one of those "if it feels good to scream, go ahead" kinda chicks. :D

Lately, has been one heck of a ride. Things in my life constantly changing, just how I like it. But I never thought it would all move this fast. Boys are getting soooo big, changing literally everyday! Tim and I are finally getting along, thanks to some ::coughcough:: minor adjustments ;). And life is looking beautiful once again.

Our friends are the greatest ones anyone could have and I'm thankful to consider them family.

On another note, ITS FREEZING!!!! Ok maybe not as cold as it will be but I'm a serious Cali girl, love the hott summers, hate the winter! bbrrrrrrrr Cant wait to have the sunshine back for good.

Hope this post finds everyone doing great. Love you all!

xoxo Rockie

The Time is Now

What defines a second chance deserved.
 Who knows when your life is gonna curve.

Down windy and crazy roads now traveled.
It's not always an uphill battle.

Realize now you can breathe and be free,
be honest and open, this is me.

How i feel,  what I think.
Back up I'm on the brink
of reality.
 I'm through with all this tragedy.

This smile on my face is here to stay.
I'm here to show myself the way.

My door is open, no more waiting or hopin'.

I want it, I'll find it.
It's mine I'm reminded.

Today is my forever,
I'm through the storm, the weather.

That I hated, but hey I made it.
Better now then never. 

xoxo Rockie

♥

The visions of white, in linen and lace. 

  A day of happiness in a beautiful place. 

Looking and listening as she comes down the isle, she sees the faces, everyone's smiles.

   You can't see it, she's shaking, trembling inside. 

This is what she wants right? Of course, then why such the fight. 

  In her mind and her heart, Its been rough from the start. 

But thats what we do, we keep pushing forward, moving right through.

  The pain and uncertainty, swirling around. 

You're mind is flying high while your heart hits the ground. 

  We all know the feeling, not pretty or fun. 

But what do you do? Can't turn back and run. 

  Know the limits that keep you and the ones that make you go, the future is not far, its just tomorrow. ♥

 

Moving along, quite nicely I might add :D

Been a while since I last posted so I'm sure there is a bit to update about. Well, we are in the process of home buying. Getting credit set, looking at houses, and neighborhoods. Its extremely exciting, and scary, because once you buy a house doesn't that mean you have officially reached "adulthood"? Ooooh that word scares me :P So we are hoping to be in a house, ideally by Christmas, but for sure January!

Me and the mini Us's got the flu this week so that was absolutely no fun. But thankfully it was over fast. Back to our regularly scheduled programming. Heh Heh.

Tim (DH) has been working like a mad man for the last 3 weeks. Out of state, to out of town. It was crazy! But I'm thankful to have him working and that he does it so well!
  Things have been going great, almost too great, but we wont jinx anything. Life is moving along smoothly. Zander is back to school tomorrow and I'm hoping he gets his behavior at school on track so that we dont have to worry about that being an issue any longer. Corbin is getting so big, learning so much everyday, and already eating me out of house and home. And Braxton, is starting to talk, using words we understand with a mixture of the few signs he knows. My lil family is just blossoming before my eyes and for the first time in a long time I feel like I'm right along with them! I have the greatest family and the friends that I consider family by my side and I couldn't ask for anything more!

.....Exxxcceeeeeeept for maybe a boob job and a BMW..... But we will save that for another time!


Til we meet again,

xoxo Rockie <3

A lane called Memory <3

All the places that I've been and all the people that I've met,
Are worth the memories I've made and all the things that I have let
Slip away and out of my mind, and though I remember it's hard to find,
The good times or the bad. That made me laugh or made me sad.
This is to those things I did, and would so sure do one more time,
For those things have touched my life, what once made me smile never a crime.
I give my heart to those memories and the ones yet to come,
They made me who I am and not to forget where I am from.

xoxo Rockie

Reality, SMACKED me in the face

As normal as our morning school routine has become for me and Zander, I start realizing 'oh no, my first born is on that bus I wave to every morning'! When did this happen? I mean, who told these children they were allowed to grow up, this wasn't in the contract, wait did I sign a contract, well I remember signing something. I know it's only kindergarten but just in case you didn't know they keep moving up every year and that means soon they will be kids, then pre-teens, and then.... Oh dear I'm not ready for this.

I love knowing that the rest of my babies are still snug in their lil beds as I stand there waving goodbye trying to cling on to any piece of hope that might be left, then it hits me. Yep! Reality, like a speeding car hits a brick wall. And I hear my mothers voice "It goes fast, Felicia"....

And I lay here in bed thinking about how hard it's going to be to see my other boys growing up just as fast....oh shit, am I gonna get old?!? ......... Naaahhhhhhh don't be dumb Felicia.

xoxo Rockie

A new leaf? No no, a new damn tree!

Obviously the weather was marvelous once again. Boys were pretty good as well. They went and hung out with Nawna and Pawpa today while me and Tim went and met with a lender. Looks like things are gonna change for the best and I can't wait to jump on this train of greatness and take off!
Dinner with the parentals and grand parentals was delish and great company. So glad to have my mom and dad back here in Bako where they belong.

Another pound down, only 20 Togo before Halloween! Let's do it!

Sand on the Beach...

Look into my eyes, you will see my soul.
See the things that complete me, that make me whole.
Step into a place where You will see who I am.
Not far don't look hard, it just hits you, BAM.
Come see that I am the person I show.
I'm true to my heart, for it's all that I know.
Inverted, eager, soft-spoken, not I.
You have my word, look! Look into my eyes.
On the surface I am strong and good willed.
Easily approachable, and laughter filled.

A lil bout me, for now that's all. But come Back again and again, I'll be here through Fall!!!

Until next rhyme
xoxo Rockie

A hop, step, and a leap

Well today's weather was beautiful so that immediately made myself and my boys so anxious to go outside. As late as they woke, it was already time to get Zander off the bus after they ate breakfast. It goes without saying that my monsters love their sleep!
Anywho, my nephew Aamaur and Breana came over to spend the hammock-ly perfect day outside with us, playing in the water and riding bikes.
On a whim I took the training wheels of off Zander's big boy bike to see if we could make some progress on riding by himself. And sure as the sky is blue he took off and never looked back! Only hitting a few cars, brothers and cousins while he got the hang of it.
As the bike riding revel was short lived due to a call from his teacher about his behavior at school, I was getting more and more mad thinking 'I thought kids are only supposed to misbehave at home!!' not a happy mommy and because Tim was outta town, unhappy mommy was what he had to deal with.
It was one of those, 'Its kindergarten!!! It's fun!!!! So SIT DOWN AND LISTEN' moments.

Needless to say bath and bedtime didn't come too short after and it was perfect timing.

Until next time
xoxo Rockie

Angel Wings

Now I lay them in their beds.
Blankets high, kiss their heads.
Blessed with life and so aware.
Innocent curiosity fills the air.
Smiley faces put a smile on mine.
Who deserves a life this divine?
Wake up every morning new ideas on their minds.
So captured by wonder at what they will find.
Keep safe my lil babies, safe as they sleep.
For their souls you may have but their hearts I will keep.

-Felicia Johnson

xoxo Rockie <3

Another one of those days

Well lets see, first off today started marvelously because after I saw Zander onto the bus and off to school, I was actually able to go back to sleep! Yes yes I know, but hey its the lil things. So by the time that me and the other two boys woke up it was time to go outside to the bus to get Zander. Heh heh, it felt great. Now just waiting for Tim to get home. Dont know what we are gonna do to today. Probably just continue cleaning. &hearts;

More poems and great key excerpts from "Good Husband Great Marriage" to come soon!

Until next time,

xoxo Rockie

This Unkept Road

Look around at where we're at.
   We have been to the bottom and back.
The road that we have traveled, seems like only rocks and gravel.
   But I hold it true and close to my heart,
That after all of this, not a thing can tear us apart.
   I know you are tough and you know in turn I'm strong.
You also know, I'm right. I am never wrong :D
   I feel warmth in your touch, and love in your words.
We are living a song, the best one I've ever heard.

Lets make the best of this one life we live.
   The love that is created is our love to give.
We will show our children about the world that they stand in,
   And how changing it for the better, they will have a hand in.
Follow me now, every step of the way.
   Promise forever, and show me today!

Look at the Lady bug with a mustache :)

I have a massive headache pounding. Ya know when you're put in time out, and you have to kneel on raw rice on hard flooring, and hold water in your hands without losing a single drop? This headache is just as frustrating!!!

And I love hearing my Zander Trae, singing his "now I KINDA know my abc's" :) Seriously today, is the epitome of life at its best.

Pizza for dinner, with chicken and wedges. Heck yes, it was fiyyyahhh! haha Sorry couldn't help myself. So today might be a boring day on the "exciting shit to write about" scale. Anyone have any cool new shows they wanna share with me? I need some more filth for my viewing pleasure.

Well, ladies and gents, the hubby is home and its bath time for my three lil piggies. So I bid thee farewell.....


Until next time,
xoxo Rockie :)

Friday :D

Well its Friday!!! The first friday since school started as a matter of fact. And Zander was coughing through the night so he stayed home today. Hopefully all this coughing crap is gone by the weekend is over. Today is National Walk Around the House Naked Day! Yes it sure is, and so maybe we might just do that for a minute or two. As long as Braxton doesnt pee on my floor lol. Tim should be coming home today, fingers crossed! I hate when hes gone.

My life song. Sing it loud!

My life has changed courses over and over.
  Good luck is as rare as a four leaf clover.
But when I find it, I'll basque in the shine.
  I am where I'm at because of my life, it is mine.
Don't shake your head, have pity nor evny.
  I work with what I am given, and trust me its plenty.
Of love shared and surrounded by smiles and joy.
  You can see me beaming, no more being coy.
I've been modeled and molded to the woman I've become,
  So that when my character stepped in, society would numb.
My proundness I will wave and no I will not fall.
  Let them know who I am, show the world, tell them all.

Perfect music by an Imperfect Musician...

Life always seems to be slightly off lately. Once we think we've got it right, its got a funny way of always changing on us. For good or worse, but its definitely been more of the latter. I miss my husband, who has been working outta town a ton. And I don't take it very well when hes gone, even though when hes here I put up this tough girl- uber independent front, I need him. He is my safety, my comfort.


So obviously when he is gone, I'm ten times more dramatic and sad. Blah blah blah.... I just miss him and love him. Thats all. And for all the wrong reasons, him being gone reminds me of times I'd be perfectly fine with forgetting. But, without those specific times, I would not be where I'm at today. So I am so thankful, for my husband, my three beautiful boys, my family, and my crazy always left of right, life.



xoxo Rockie <3

Life Interrupted...

Well Zander started Kindergarden on Monday. He loves it, of course. He likes it because mom and dad aren't there with him, lol. So to be honest, adjusting to that was quite easy. I thought it would be a tearful emotional time for me. But since he was so excited and not nervous or scared at all, it was simple. He even loves riding the bus. Call me crazy, but the thought that my 5 year old rides the bus scares the shit outta me, but hey, I know hes safe and he likes it. No problems so far. And keeping fingers crossed for the future.

As for Corbin and Braxton. Well I think they enjoy the few quiet hours every morning just as much as I do. But the cutest thing today Corbin told me was, as we were getting into the car, he said "I miss Zander". Awww It nearly melted my heart! Sweetest thing ever!

Sunday Funday :)

My mom is here to stay for a couple of days. The boys always love when shes here. So much fun to be had. So today we took the monsters to Rollerama to go skating. I forgot how much fun it was to skate and unconsciously, when the boys wanted to take their skates off for a break, we were out on the floor doing the cha cha slide and having a blast!
        An hour into it, while the munchkins were eatin nachos and churros, we were sweatin up a storm and loving it!

And the thought that keeps popping into my head all weekend, "I absolutely cant believe my first born is going to kindergarten in a week". I hope I can hold it together!

The tears will keep coming...

Well today was my oldest son Zander's first dentist appointment for his kindergarten check up. Yes hes almost 5 years old and hasn't been to the dentist until now. What can I say? I am terrified of the dentist myself, which has probably kept me from taking my boys sooner. But needless to say, after the tears of my baby becoming a big boy and doing it with a smile on his face and the millions of pictures I took, Zander had no cavities or tartar build up. Which put a smile back on my face! :)

Then to his school to turn in the dentist physical slip and of course it all came and hit me harder than a sumo wrestler knockin' down a brick wall, "oh my gosh, my baby starts school in a week!!". So the tears came back buuuuuut I did my job of holding them back.

In a nutshell, the cutest part of my day was when I asked the boys if they were gonna be loud to shut their door as not to wake up their little brother, and as it opened one time, I said down the hallway "Hey guys keep your door shut please" and Zander asked Corbin "Is that your wife?". It was too funny, as if they knew wifes were perceived as being naggy or something!